Acceptance and Healing

So you have this disease.  That sucks.  You’re going to have it forever?! That really sucks.  Now what do you do?

Do you spend a bunch of time feeling sorry for yourself?  Probably.

I didn’t realize this at the time, but I was going through the Stages of Grief, mourning for the loss of my clean bill of health.  As far as I was concerned, I was never going to be completely healthy, and after:

1. denying I was in pain, and
2. getting angry at my body and about my disease.
3. I bargained and tried to compromise on my physical needs, hoping to regain control over my body.
4. Depression hit me like the titanic hit an iceberg.  I didn’t sink, but there were times I wanted to.
5. Accepting reality became all that was left.

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When acceptance is the only option, it’s time to figure out how to move forward. Right?

Trouble is you need the acceptance of your loved ones too.   I went through an extremely hurtful situation with my ex (N).  I have to give myself my weekly Enbrel injection–something I loath doing anyway–and N asked me not to do it in front of him because it wasn’t a very sexy thing… Hmm… No shit!  But what a dick thing to say out loud.

I’m seeing someone new now, and I’ve avoided giving myself injections in front of him.  I’ve hid in the bathroom so he wouldn’t see.  I’ve intentionally changed the day of my injection so he wouldn’t be around.  Last week, I had pushed my injection off a few days, in part to avoid embarrassment, in part because I hate the damn thing.  I was starting to feel the fact that I hadn’t taken it, and broke down and gave myself the shot right in front of him.  He rested a hand on my back while I practiced my yogic breathing–inhaling deeply, exhaling and pushing the injection further in; inhaling, exhaling and pushing more.  When I was done, he pulled me into his arms.

I didn’t know someone could be so accepting of me.  I didn’t realize how much I needed that.  I cried.  I actually cried.

I still haven’t fully accepted it myself, but it’s about time I learn how.